So I figured its about time I actually deal with my leaving issues and leave England behind. I knew that eventually I would have to figure out how I felt about leaving but I was being too slow and the thoughts in my stupid head weren’t gonna sort themselves out.
I just finished a 3 and a half hour conversation with a person I have to call my best friend. Really, there is no other way to describe her. And if you had read the pages I occupy in her diary, you’d be calling me an insensitive bitch. I had messaged her earlier in the day when I was very frustrated about another friend, if you have been on my ask.fm lately you would probably know some of the reasons. That frustration built up throughout the day and I finally decided to call my friend towards the end of the day. Because that’s when I finally got it: I wasn’t just frustrated about this other friend of mine, I was just upset about leaving. I usually get that hit when I’m in the plane and its about to takeoff but it didn’t happen this time and I knew that sooner or later it would happen. And there I was, shaking with all the thoughts and feelings that I had refused to acknowledge, making myself deny I had any feelings about anything regarding friends or England.
Yeah, I’m a fucking idiot. And yeah, I’ll admit, I bawled my eyes out. Its actually a difficult thing to do. Pretty much loathed every second of my crying self and yeah, it was selfish to call her and have her listen to my snot-filled voice while I tried desperately to form words that sounded like a dying whale. But what can I say? I’m a disappointing freakshow.
I dont want to plunge into too much detail, but I have to admit that sometimes talking about it rather than suppressing it actually might help. Ill never admit to it again but there you go.
England has been 4 years of continuous lessons; in life and education. I have come to love things and change (some) people who also changed me, and in my opinion, to a more reasonable person.
Notice that I didn’t write ‘better’ please.
A moment of truth? I will miss England with all it’s endless amount of everlasting rain, all the people I came to know, the things I learned and the things I taught. But most importantly (this is getting awfully cheesy) I will miss the ‘me’ when I was there because, lets face it, I have to change at least a little in order to really be able to leave it all behind.
An illustration of me by my friends.